Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Randomize
