Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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