phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
