i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
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