i think i recognize dicks better than faces
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
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