I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
