I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
