Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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