I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
