How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
