I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
