oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
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