At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
