It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
