Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
