she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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