There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
