You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
