i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
