Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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