I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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