I wish I only lived at night.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
