Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
