he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I can't put those talents on a resume
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
