Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
