I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
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