sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
