So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
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