Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Last time i carry you out of a forest
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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