You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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