Already got asked if we're dating
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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