have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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