I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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