Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
