new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
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