Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
