I think I am morally bankrupt
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
