Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
