i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
