he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Randomize
