No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Someone came in the potted fern
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
