he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Randomize
