Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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