Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
