I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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