May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
