were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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