I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
