The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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