I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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