I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
