is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Randomize
